Archive for the ‘ Work HIjinx ’ Category

D.O.R.K.

Some time ago, my coworker, Tony, was cleaning out some old IBM keyboards that the owner and VP prefer to use because they are “clicky”.  Yes, that is a technical term, at least here in this establishment.  “If it no clicky, it no worky” for them.

Anywho, because he popped all the keys off and left them soaking in the sink for what felt like weeks, I finally started badgering him to finish up already.  Surprisingly since he never listens to me, he rinsed them off and set them on a paper towel to dry… for what felt like another couple of weeks.

Being the smart ass that I’m told I am, I decided to steal a few keys spelling out my term of endearment for him.  I waited like a little kid on Christmas morning for him to put the keyboards back together and exclaim, “Hey! I’m missing some keys!” I had it all played out in my head.  By this time, I let a couple coworkers in on my mission so we were all anticipating… and anticipating… and anticipatiing…

A few days later, I look over at his cube and WTH?  There are the keyboards sitting in a crate… with all their keys!  At first I thought he found my secret stash but, knowing him, he could NOT keep his mouth shut about besting me.  So, casually, I asked him about the keyboards and found out he found another keyboard and stole those keys off it without saying a word.  The funny part was that he didn’t think it odd that he was missing any keys, nor did he say anything about it.

How could I bust on him without outing myself?!  Instead, my coworkers and I let it go until an opportune time.

This morning is that day.

 

Here are your keys back.

 

Adventures in I.T.

An interesting impromptu adventure occurred today.  A large mutant wasp flew into the cube of our Tech Writer, who sits behind me.  Immediately, she called the resident bug hunter, Tony, to deal with this invasion.  Armed with his nerf shotgun and determination, he shot at the flying beast.  Efforts thwarted, the wasp flew from Sam’s cube, to an empty cube.  Sensing the hunt, it sought refuge in Tony’s and my shared space.  We don’t call Tony the “hunter” (“huntard” really)  for nothing.  Hot on its trail, Tony realized the gun was an ineffective weapon against such an atrocity against nature (and really, his aim sucks.  Just keepin’ it real, y’all).

Anywho, as the wasp realized its error in cornering itself against the mad hunter, it made a dash to fly out, only to be pummeled and slapped down by Tony and his fist of fury armed with a rolled up paper (accompanied by a high pitched sound I like to call his “lady scream”)  whack, Whack, WHACK!  Everyone was in shock that he actually made a connection with his nemesis mid air (softball practice really paying off here), and I was shocked because he was killing it on MY side of the cube…I peeked over and saw the carcass lying on my test machine’s keyboard, vowing to never touch the keyboard again.  Once the adrenaline wore off and all was right in the world again, I continued my task of going over an invoice only to see that Tony really DIDN’T kill the wasp on the keyboard… he killed it on my invoice.  And there were reminders of the earlier battle left on the paper.

Thanks for the heads up, Tony!

The Great Pink Soap Caper

You know, there are certain things that happen, albeit small things, that can cause a person to obsess over. Mine happened a few days ago at work. As I sit here at my favorite coffeehouse hangout, good friend sitting in front of me oblivious to the impending lapse in judgement I’m about to have, as I’m drinking my blended iced chai, giggling over this topic. It’s just absolutely unbelievable, and I feared that if I were to only describe it, I would be passed as a sad-sap. But, luckily for me, I brought the ole “Canon” with me and snapped a few for all to see.

As most companies are feeling the various states of economics, times can be a little tight financially and the crackdown on extraneous and unnecessary expenditures is set in motion. This brings me to the story of our hand soap in the upstairs restroom.

The metal soap dispenser had been giving us issues as of late. We couldn’t pump the darn soap without the spout literally falling off. What was funny was that everytime it fell off, I’d place it gently next to the sink so as to alert the powers-that-be that we needed a replacement to the cheap dispenser. Magically, after the office admin assistant visited the bathroom, the pump was back on, only to drop with a thud again if you were to look at it wrong. That seemed to be the big F-U I was waiting for. So, guess what I suggested? I suggested that it magically disappear and away it went! So, the office admin assistant (OAA or H.A.G.) proactively took it upon herself to provide us with an alternative means of lather. The first attempt was a gallon jug propped on the countertop filled with pink hand soap. Um… what?! Yeah…. As the office ladies, myself included, gathered to discuss this new “pump jug”, a plan was devised that because we couldn’t control that pink glob from just POURING out, poured out it would be with each use.

Personally, I bring my own soap. Nice foamy pump that only I use. Ahhh…. Anywho.

OAA, I guess, noticed that we had gone through a half gallon jug in the morning, and decided to fill another quart sized pump and placed it lovingly in the bathroom. Oh, by that way, she didn’t put the pump on it. Just left it sans pump. Quite sanitary, eh? For some strange reason, that too was disappearing at an alarming rate. So, she went to the next level. And thus begins the drama.

I had gotten a tad bit dusty working on a PC out in our label room and decided to make a pitstop in our restroom to wash the crud off. As I grabbed my Raspberry foam soap (ahhh…), I put the bottle down on the counter right next to where the company jug usually sat. I had to do a double take, for this is what I saw….

 

Wow. Seriously? She went there. All official with the hazard labels on it and EVERYTHING! Hey, you know, I felt relieved that there were no caustic chemicals in there, was not flamable, had no reactivity and posed no real health hazard (except my vomit reaction to the cheapness). As a sidenote, getting these pictures was kinda funny. My digital camera makes that clicking noise so, imagine that noise coming out of the office bathroom… hehe. Hush, you dirty minded goons! What was funnier was that I took the bottle to show another lady on the floor who happens to sit in the next cube from H.A.G. Well, H.A.G. had gotten up to visit the rest room. I can hear cupboard drawers open and close, as if she were looking for the glop. It was all too funny as I was trying to think of a way to slyly return the glop without her knowing it was me that was doing the “show and tell” around the office. Ahhh.. good times, good times!

Anywho, I did a double take again and realized she reused a dish soap bottle as demonstrated here.

I’m so glad she labelled it. I wouldn’t have known the difference! So, this got me and the safety guy talking and decided to pitch in with this idea and go a step further. After laughing hysterically over the suggestions we threw about, we thought, we could mass produce this stuff just by reusing some household items, such as the following.

 

I swear, we should totally get raises!

Umm…

I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

UPDATE: H.A.G. is no longer with us… NO!  She’s
not dead (at least I don’t think).  She
was canned.  I hope you appreciate my
sensitivity on both of those statements.

Antique Cuisine. YUM!

As some of you already know, we are a bunch of goofballs at work. Despite the dreary weather outside, the mood in the office is relatively light… Perhaps the fact that it’s Friday has something to do with it. Or perhaps it was the idea that someone was thoughtful enough to bring some donuts in. Who knows?

Today’s adventure consisted of discovering hidden treasures. The “oldies but goodies”. Sheri, Chad, and I were having a business related discussion on how to link a youtube video, Sir Mix A Lot’s “Jump On It”, to Chad’s profile. While I was explaining how to do that, Sheri started cleaning out the fridge of week-old hot sauce from the local Mexican restaurant. This segued to Tony’s fabulous and distinct culinary abilities which were displayed by his putting Taco Bell hot sauce on his ham sandwich yesterday at lunch. Perhaps we amateurs are not keen to the sophisticated flavor profiles of boiled ham and Bell Sauce. I, for one, am glad I lack that sophisticated palette.

Anyway, this discussion led to the opening of the cupboards in search of ingredients for Tony to experiment with. And, OH, what we found was just awesome. So awesome, I took a few snaps to share the treasures.

The first one Sheri saw was the ancient bottle of Tussin. Tony said it was because she’s a habitual “robidoser” and can spot those from a mile away. LOL

 

We wanted to check out the ingredients to see if they are still legal.

And then, we caught a glimpse of the expiration date.

 

We wondered what effect that would have if ingested… hmmm… Perhaps a project for Tony later in the year when we present the annual walk-across-the-pond-for-20-bucks dare. It’s become tradition.

Then, we realized there was more to the cabinet that meets eye. Check out the old school packaging of some of these.There’s a collector out there willing to pay big bucks for old packaging that predates the date code mandates. Taking first bids!

 

UPDATE: it’s 2.5 years later and these items are still in the cupboards.  I say we’ve crossed over to the Antique Roadshow.

 

 

Sickness Be GONE!

Originally written in Spring 2008

Germs, germs, EVERYWHERE!

What the hell? 

It’s Spring, inching closer and closer to Summer.

And here we are.  Sick.  Infections.  Icky Mucus.

Why, oh, why is my counter littered with prescription bottles?  I’ve gotten over the hump of an illness, well, several, and have the lingering gasping for breath and coughing fits, where my head feels like it’s going to explode from the force. As I can feel the compulsion to cough approach, the cartoon image of one’s head popping off fills my head. of course, this episode chewed up 4.5 days of vacation time I didn’t have.  Oh wait, that’s right.  I was docked for it.  That is for another blog.

Most people use their common sense and try to stay home when they are contagious.  Most.  Then, you’ve got people that won’t stay home no matter what.  Won’t go to the doctor to stop being contagious.  Those are whom I label as carriers.  Spreading their “joy” from one person to another, coughing on you, coughing into their hand as they reach for the candy jar, leaning on the printer and coughing into the paper return.  You know the types.  The same ones that wipe their nose and never washes their hands.  I’m a compulsive ‘handwasher’.  If I even THINK I’ve coughed into my hands, they get washed.  That just IRKS me.  Get what I’m saying?  You know the Lysol commercial with the little green squigglies crawling all over the door knobs, phones, and toys?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, they had these carriers in mind when they dreamt that up.

So, I’ve introduced a coworker I call Stoney in previous blogs.  He now likes to be addressed as the “Gooch”, but, that too is for another blog.  What a character.  One day, he and I got to talking, and hashed out our issues with said carriers.  Amongst all this sickness, we’ve come up with another way to dodge the little monsters.

Observe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We call this the office SARS mask. Available in several different pastel colors,  it can protect us from the illness or block the carriers from spreading the illness.  Either way, it’s a win-win, right???  If used effectively, it can ward away most illnesses. Or at least send a message.  I’m thinking more message than protection, but, either way, it’s useful!

 

Cautionary Measures

Step 1.  Infectious person approaches

Step 2.  Ask walking infection to hold on for a sec

Step 3.  In an obvious fashion, grab a kleenex.  If none is available, RUN, not walk, to the closest restroom and grab a paper towel.  If no paper towel is available, snag some toilet paper.  A long piece.  It’s the message we’re after here and continue on to Step 4.

Step 4.  Put the Kleenex/paper towel to your face, covering mouth and nose.  If you have goggles, place them over your eyes now.  If you have toilet paper, make sure you grabbed enough to wrap around your head, bandit style.

Step 5.  Tell infection to proceed.

 

There have been several renditions of this mask, however, the previous ones were deemed problematic after say, a minute or so… Chadillionaire modeled this one.  This image was used in other blogs, but, it’s so fitting here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sure, by now, you realize what the issue is here.

Here’s another picture we took, but, this seemed to make people talk to him rather than ward them away.  So, we had to nix this one quickly. He also had to be quite careful as this too can become problematic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our search continues for the perfect office apparatus to ward away sickness.

Until then… Be careful out there… It’s stupid.